12 juin 2011

boire


i haven’t fallen asleep sober for six days now. i’m kinda scared that i would not be able to sleep if i did not drink. it’s not that it’s safer when i’m sober, but i already feel so messed up, so wasted anyway. i’ve been a little bit lonely these days. like, i kinda feel like shit. i mean, i’m scared of what i’m able to do when i drink, like calling her, or sending her texts to tell her i miss her, all this shitty stuff, but well, somehow i need to get it out of my head, or i’m gonna lose it, and i'm better off wasted. so i just drink myself to numbness. it’s painful anyway, knowing that she must think that i’m a big big mess or a creep or anything that’s too stupid to have feelings. like, it’s not true, i’m not. i’m just going through this phase, well let’s call it a nervous breakdown, where everything collapses and i just lose everything. i lose everything because i want it to be perfect and just like i dreamed it, and i insist, and i want to make square pegs fit in holes not made for love. and, you know, then i try to make things right, and they only get worse. i want things to be easy and smooth, like, i wanted to invite you to come over to watch rushmore and drink and shit, and maybe then we would have kissed or i don’t know, just, you know, things would have been nice, like it could have been a movie, and i would not have anything to do, just follow somebody else’s plan without ruining it, cause it seems that’s what i do best. breaking things that i like and want or i don’t know exactly, maybe i’m just scared of happiness and shit. and it's easier that way, to ruin things that can't be like i want them to be, so i don't spend weeks spitting regrets and sadness at how things are when they could have been so lovely. it's better to just tell everyone to fuck off, i feel i have some control on my life this way, even if it is to just make a mess of myself. it's kinda stupid since i'm not even hurting anyone except myself and i kinda look pathetic, but i still have this feeling that i'm not just suffering people's indecisions or shit. anyway i don’t know, sounds like trying to be yourself, trying to be like, honest, is really a shitty plan, or maybe i’m just trying too hard, but i just want to disappear and not, like, care anymore. care about the fact that she hates me or, worse, doesn’t give a fuck about the state i’m in, about the state i am in “because of her”, and well, i just want to go back to this moment. like, when i was kissing her and she was running her hands on my chest and all that stupid and hot as hell shit, because that was good and i was happy, and i wasn’t a loser yet.

fuck it, anyway, this shit doesn’t matter cause i feel dead insid… well no, i’m fucking alive because i’m hurt in my mind and my body and my heart or whatever, but anyway, the "one" girl would be scared or wouldn’t believe me, and i don’t even know which one is the "one" girl cause i’m fucking lost, and it actually doesn't matter, and i need a drink.

birthday - junior boys

28 commentaires:

Vadim P. a dit…

Bah je savais pas, je savais plus, c'est gentil, mer-sea.

Jeff a dit…

tu écris vraiment très bien, bel article.

p.s. cheer/chin up dude.

Anonyme a dit…

I wrote you something these days. I do not know if you received it or if you are pretending that it never happened. Whatever, if it's the case stop hiding you by transforming reality.

Anonyme a dit…

Anon comments for the win / ex gf for the win

Vadim P. a dit…

J'ai rien reçu perso, il faut le renvoyer.

Vadim P. a dit…

(Peut-être sur une adresse qui marche, ce serait mieux)

Anonyme a dit…

WRITE BACK FOR FUCK'S SAKE

Anonyme a dit…

Thank you for your help but actually I can not write back what I've wrote to you. Something too special to be expressed an other time. It was something quick without thinking and now if I try again It won't give the same feeling to me but to you too.
Keep going on in what you do.

Anonyme a dit…

Ridiculous. Or in French : Ridicule!

Vadim P. a dit…

Y'a juste a FW le message dans ta boite d'envoi. Hyper dur.

Vadim P. a dit…

Le dernier Anon peut me sucer aussi.

Anonyme a dit…

Do not be such a dush man. And about your cock you can suck it by yourself 'cause I've heard few things about it not really pleasant!
Rest in peace

Anonyme a dit…

Ca va comic joker?

drodzuy a dit…

que deviens-tu cosmic jokers oué d'ailleurs

drodzuy (mieux vaut deux fois qu'une) a dit…

FAUT ÉCRIRE EN ANGLAIS POUR ÊTRE COOL SUR CE POST?

Anonyme a dit…

cosmicjoker suce moi comme si j'étais vadim poulet

H a dit…

J'aimerais ne pas avoir l'air d'une pré-adolescente en écrivant ce commentaire mais malheureusement en m'adressant à toi je ne fais qu'augmenter cette pile de jeunes filles désespérées. Et oui tu dois le savoir mieux que moi: ton pouvoir d'attraction auprès de la gente féminine de moins de 15 ans est puissant. Bref, j'ai parcouru la plupart de tes textes sur la Frange. Contrairement à la masse, je n'ai pas ressenti de "suffisance", "vanité", "prétention non fondée",... Au contraire tu dois connaitre ton talent mais j'ai vu plus qu'un mec qui sait écrire. Bref j'arrête le délire je lis en toi comme si j'étais devin ou comme si je te comprenais parce qu'on est pareil. Je veux seulement te signifier le plaisir que j'ai à te lire et relire.
Continue à incarner le doux connard que tu n'es pas, ça te va tellement bien.

Vadim P. a dit…

La question que je me pose là du coup c'est "t'as quel âge finalement?

Vadim P. a dit…

(Et euh, c'est gentil aussi)

H a dit…

Officiellement 19 ans. Mais on peut toujours voir ça comme 15+4.

B a dit…

You're fuckin killing me. R u feeling so bad ?

Anonyme a dit…

Are we american yet?

Matthieu M. a dit…

J'espère que H c'est Vadim. Sinon j'espère qu'elle vit au fond d'une cave avec l'Ayers rock dessus. Te ferais partir tout ça dans des trains moi, zoup le même wagon que les skyblogs.

H a dit…

Toi aussi tu auras ton lot de groupies ne soit pas jaloux. Ca viendra ou pas.
Rest in peace

Matthieu M. a dit…

ah sinon le commentaire Matthieu M. n'est pas de moi salut vous ça va?

Anonyme a dit…

Valley girl

Vadim P. a dit…

putain, meilleure com insultant jamais posté sur la frange chcrois.

gui a dit…

One day. We will meet. You'll feel intimidated. Or maybe bored. And we'll kiss