i haven’t fallen asleep sober for six days now. i’m kinda scared that i would not be able to sleep if i did not drink. it’s not that it’s safer when i’m sober, but i already feel so messed up, so wasted anyway. i’ve been a little bit lonely these days. like, i kinda feel like shit. i mean, i’m scared of what i’m able to do when i drink, like calling her, or sending her texts to tell her i miss her, all this shitty stuff, but well, somehow i need to get it out of my head, or i’m gonna lose it, and i'm better off wasted. so i just drink myself to numbness. it’s painful anyway, knowing that she must think that i’m a big big mess or a creep or anything that’s too stupid to have feelings. like, it’s not true, i’m not. i’m just going through this phase, well let’s call it a nervous breakdown, where everything collapses and i just lose everything. i lose everything because i want it to be perfect and just like i dreamed it, and i insist, and i want to make square pegs fit in holes not made for love. and, you know, then i try to make things right, and they only get worse. i want things to be easy and smooth, like, i wanted to invite you to come over to watch rushmore and drink and shit, and maybe then we would have kissed or i don’t know, just, you know, things would have been nice, like it could have been a movie, and i would not have anything to do, just follow somebody else’s plan without ruining it, cause it seems that’s what i do best. breaking things that i like and want or i don’t know exactly, maybe i’m just scared of happiness and shit. and it's easier that way, to ruin things that can't be like i want them to be, so i don't spend weeks spitting regrets and sadness at how things are when they could have been so lovely. it's better to just tell everyone to fuck off, i feel i have some control on my life this way, even if it is to just make a mess of myself. it's kinda stupid since i'm not even hurting anyone except myself and i kinda look pathetic, but i still have this feeling that i'm not just suffering people's indecisions or shit. anyway i don’t know, sounds like trying to be yourself, trying to be like, honest, is really a shitty plan, or maybe i’m just trying too hard, but i just want to disappear and not, like, care anymore. care about the fact that she hates me or, worse, doesn’t give a fuck about the state i’m in, about the state i am in “because of her”, and well, i just want to go back to this moment. like, when i was kissing her and she was running her hands on my chest and all that stupid and hot as hell shit, because that was good and i was happy, and i wasn’t a loser yet.
fuck it, anyway, this shit doesn’t matter cause i feel dead insid… well no, i’m fucking alive because i’m hurt in my mind and my body and my heart or whatever, but anyway, the "one" girl would be scared or wouldn’t believe me, and i don’t even know which one is the "one" girl cause i’m fucking lost, and it actually doesn't matter, and i need a drink.
